My Crazy Labor Story!!!

He's here!  The little guy clocked in at about 10:45am on Friday May 15th at 8 lb. 8 oz!  And it is QUITE a story!

The reason I say ABOUT 10:45am is because it all happened sooooo fast!  Kirk left for work as usual at 7:00 that morning while I was sound asleep.  I woke up just after 10:00 and felt these sharp back pains and wasn't sure what was going on.  I could hardly move!  And what I was hoping were just normal Braxton Hicks contractions became quite regular and intense.  These were REAL contractions!  OK, I admit that I'm a heavy sleeper, but how the crap did I sleep through that!?!

I finally made my way over to my cell phone on the other side of the room (crawling) and started calling people right and left.  I called first Kirk and told him to start his 45 min commute on the MAX train right away!  I then called the hospital and they said to come right in.  Thanks, I kinda figured that I was in labor.  So then I called my sister (who lives next door and was my planned ride to the hospital if Kirk was at work), however, she was not home and at least 3o mins away.  Figures.  

So there I am.  In excruciating PAIN, all by myself!  Needless to say.....I was freaking out!  I was trying to remember all the breathing techniques I'd learned at the childbirth classes.  I had been a great breather.  I was top of the class!  I got a diploma in breathing!  But now, when it was time to use it, it all went out the window!  I just did whatever I could to stop the pain.  I had totally planned on having an epidural, so this was NOT in the plan.

And then...I feel like I'm about to the have the biggest bowl movement EVER!  And I know what that means.  I'd been warned.  It means BABY IS COMING RIGHT NOW!  NO!!!  I tried to tell him to go back in and that he couldn't come out yet because Kirk wasn't here and there were no nurses and this was going to be waaaaaay too messy to clean up!!!   We have white carpet!!

So I manage to at least make it out the door onto our front porch, collapse, and start screaming for help!!  We live in townhomes so I have lots of neighbors (not that I've actually met any of them), but I'm sure that someone was bound to hear my cries for help!  "HELLO!  SOMEBODY!  ANYBODY!  I'M HAVING A BABY!  HELP! HELP!"  No body was coming!  What kind of world do we live in!?!

Finally, after what felt like forever, this woman comes out and runs over and then stops dead in her tracks as soon as she saw me.  I didn't blame her.  By this point I had ripped off my pants, spread eagle, and was ready to somehow have this baby by myself!  I was sooo glad to see her, first of all because she was FEMALE, but mostly cause I wasn't alone anymore.  We didn't have much time for formalities ("Nice to meet you Ashley.  My name is Angie.  Where are you from?  Yes, it appears that I am about to have a baby.  Could you just do me a huge favor....")

This was a high class emergency!  Of course, she was more flustered than I was and didn't know what to do.  (I don't think she'd been this close to a birth before).  In between my own panic breathing I yell at her, "JUST CATCH THE DARN THING!!!"  She also called 911, something I probably should have done if I'd realized how fast this baby was going to come.  Luckily they were able to kinda walk her through it over the phone.  Poor girl.

I don't really remember everything that happened.  It was all soooo FAST!  All I know is that I was in tremendous pain, I was screaming at the top of my lungs, and I hear a huge RIPPING sound!  And then I suddenly had this remarkable little baby in my arms.  He was all covered in gunk and nasties, but he was here!  And he was my baby!

After the ambulance got there, they rushed me off to the hospital and Kirk finally got there and everything was fine....until the baby started turning green and growing huge calves and biceps, getting bigger and bigger until he was the size of the Incredible Hulk!!!

......Oh wait.   That's not what happened.  In fact, I don't think any of that actually happened.  Was it all a bad dream?  Or just some horror story that I imagined in my head?  Worse case scenario thoughts perhaps??  Yes that's it.  I just confessed all my worst fears of labor and delivery online for anyone and everyone to read.

Sorry, but I couldn't resist.  No baby yet.  Still waiting.  So, where'd the picture come from, you ask?  Oh yeah, my sister-in-law had her baby boy last week and I just had to get a shot of me in the hospital bed holding her new little guy.  I was going for authenticity.  I think it turned out well.  You can't even see my huge belly!

I'll be sure to let you know when the baby really comes.  And I'm hoping that it's not as terrible as that CRAZY story J